21.03.10
As I was travelling, I was praying again and again for his safety, I was pleading to God…not this time. Please…it should be never. I want him. I love him, I care for him. Though I don’t talk to him every day, my love does not change or reduce. God, he is your child n you please take care of him. I had heard when people are unconscious, they are away from the chaotic world and they could hear things in much clear way. So, I even was trying to connect with him in telepathic transactions.
I wanted to be there with him as SOON as POSSIBLE. Bus moved in its usual speed, but I felt it was taking ages to reach. Would he wait till I am there?? Would he really hear what I was talking to him?? Hey God, have mercy!!! Please…
Again the whole cycle started….of thoughts, of memories, of uncountable worries. How do I stop it??? Nothing will happen to him, NOTHING!!! I’ll not let anything happen to him. He has to stay. He has to be there. There are so many moments he has not celebrated with us. He has to celebrate them with us and so he’ll be just fine…would you stop thinking negative!!
Just stop it idiot!!! He’ll be alright!!
But I knew it won’t be fine.
Again, my throat choked, eyes filled with water, and feeling of breathlessness. My eyes ached of tears. But the flow did not stop. It just went on, cause it was not the eyes which cried, it was coming straight from the heart.
Heart was pounding so fast, that it possibly could have skipped many beats. Who cared? It was neither my physical pain, nor my mental stress. It was all about him. I loved him. In fact, I still love him.
I looked out of the window t distract myself, I felt all the trees were scaring me. It just didn’t help. I put my i-pod earphone in ears and started listening to songs loudly, so loudly that I might have turned deaf. But I didn’t care. It started helping. My attention was shifted for 5 minutes hardly and again, my thoughts started struggling loudly enough to neglect them. I could hear the struggle between some song and the thoughts. I couldn’t win that day, nor could I win over the loss.
No human being can win over the ultimate fact- Death. Yes, I had to face the fact, from which I was running away. I have lost you, but I still have you with me in memories, endless infinite memories. I will never let them go. They will never fade away. You taught me so many things, and still so many things I had to learn from you. You always gave and never asked back. I love you, I used to be happy with you and sometimes, when you were strict and angry, I used to be scared of you. But I know it was for my own good. And whatever I do to thank you for that, I can never even return 1 part of it. I love you from the depth of my heart and I will always do. For the way you were, for the caring ways in which you played all the roles. I want to tell you today NANA, we all love you, and we all are proud of you. I feel really lucky that I was born as YOUR grand-daughter.
If u can listen to me today, I want to thank you for just being there. I love you and I will always do….hope you are watching us and hope you are happy too.
Love you forever
Yours
Shweta
lovely!
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